The New York Times

In a swearing-in ceremony before hundreds of thousands of rabid supporters, John Box declared himself President of the World.

Holding in his right hand a copy of Rubbing Bacon On It by David Hasselhoff as if it were the Bible, Global Presidente Box proclaimed that he was answering to a “higher calling to assume the office of the People’s President of the Entire Fucking World.”

If you’ve been studying Japanese long enough to attempt a conversation with a Japanese person, you’re probably familiar with the concept of aizuchi, which is described as ‘interjections during a conversation that indicate the listener is paying attention and/or understanding the speaker.’

Which is to say, grunts to let you know they’re listening.

I’ve actually seen this taught in elementary school textbooks as a form of good

Please ignore this post. I'm trying to use this guy as my fantasy football team pic and ESPN requires a web address, so hopefully posting it on my website will do the trick. Suck it, ESPN.

This tale brought to you by my good buddy in the U.S., Nomu Chompsky.

Nomu's story is about a U.S. salesman acquaintance who has crazy eyes like Gary Busey. As such, he will be referred to as Gary “Crazy Eyes” Busey.

Like to here it, here it goes.

Gary “Crazy Eyes” Busey was illustrating how the U.S. is going to hell and as an

The John Box Times

In his induction speech at the 2018 Pro Football Hall of Fame ceremony, Brian Urlacher, one of the greatest linebackers to don a Chicago Bears uniform, began by saying that he was “humbled to join the fraternity of men who were the best to ever play the game.”

When Urlacher wrapped up his speech, he was greeted with a standing ovation

10) To trap your partner into marrying you.

9) Because you’re dying to give breast milk a taste.

8) To fill a void in your life.

7) Cause babies are chick magnets.

To settle once and for all the age old debate of which sport is better, football or soccer, I argued the topic with my Irish friend, Seamus. (While you’d think his name would be pronounced SEA-mus, it’s actually pronounced SHAY-mus. Aren’t Europeans cute?).

With Seamus fighting for soccer and the loveable Johnny Box brawling on behalf of NFL football, we both finished with bloody knuckles and noses, but in the end, only the indisputable champion was left standing.

Dear U.S. Porn,

I will begin and end this letter with a question.

What the fuck?!

What is up with your obsession with huge penises? Do you think that straight guys get off to looking at gigantic cocks?!

Step 1) Wait until people getting off, get off

When a train that you would like to get on stops and the doors open, do not immediately thrust yourself onto the train. Instead, dipshit, stand to the side of the doors so that people wishing to get off the train may do so.

Note that in addition to being courteous, this has the added benefit of allowing space on the train for you. You fucking retard.

June 12, 2018; The New Yorke Times

The Swedish Academy that awards the Nobel Prize for Literature says that it won’t announce a winner this year because of a scandal over sexual misconduct.

On the back of the Me Too movement, 18 women have come forward claiming sexual assault and physical abuse against the husband of one of the Academy members, causing her to resign. Several others have followed suit.

When walking in public, if you rarely find yourself frustrated by some mouth-breathing idiot in your way, chances are you’re the mouth-breathing idiot. Here are some do’s and don’ts to help you be less of a dipshit.

1) When walking with others, Don’t take up the entire fucking sidewalk

I realize that it’s hard to remember that there are other people in this world, and I realize that you’re engrossed in whatever assinine conversation you’re having with

June 8th, 2018

From this day forward it is permissible, unassailable, and encouraged to smack, hit, roundhouse kick or otherwise jar a mobile phone, game console, camera or any other hand-held device out of the hand of any dipshit walking while staring at it; provided, however, that any human, animal, robot or other being who walks while staring at a handheld device shall be considered a ‘dipshit’ for the purpose of this decree regardless of IQ and any and all other factors.