Please ignore this post. I'm trying to use this guy as my fantasy football team pic and ESPN requires a web address, so hopefully posting it on my website will do the trick. Suck it ESPN.
I’m so sick of pundits and their so-called “bold predictions.”
I can’t think of anything more cowardly in the world of fantasy sports.
Basically, what they’re saying is, 'if this prediction doesn’t come true, it’s not on me, I told you it wasn’t likely. But if it does come true, you must recognize me as a modern day Nostradamus.'Read More
This tale brought to you by my good buddy in the U.S., Noam Chompskrew.
Noam's story is about a U.S. salesman acquaintance who has crazy eyes like Gary Busey. As such, he will be referred to as Gary “Crazy Eyes” Busey.
Like to here it, here it goes.
Gary “Crazy Eyes” Busey was illustrating how the U.S. is going to hell and as anRead More
The John Box Times
In his induction speech at the 2018 Pro Football Hall of Fame ceremony, Brian Urlacher, one of the greatest linebackers to don a Chicago Bears uniform, began by saying that he was “humbled to join the fraternity of men who were the best to ever play the game.”
When Urlacher wrapped up his speech, he was greeted with a standing ovationRead More
The John Box Times
In the wake of Japan’s World Cup loss to Belgium, high school student Yoko Shimizu said that while she enjoyed the knock-out-stage match between the two countries, she did not enjoy the outcome and humbly wishes all Belgium fans a new, incurable form of VD.
Holding her middle finger up in the general direction of Europe, she said, “I thinkRead More
Here are six to eight more of my favorite Japanese terms and phrases
1) 鬼の居ぬ間に洗濯 (oni no inu ma ni sentaku) – This is the Japanese version of “When the cat's away, the mice will play.” But it translates more directly to, “When the monster’s away, do laundry.”
2) 栗鼠 (risu) = acorn rat = squirrel
Just so the Japanese don’t feel like I’m picking on them in my “Best Japanese Words Ever” series, here’s an example of English that boggles my mind.
While you would think the word “forgetive” would mean something like “likely to forget,” it in fact means “inventive.” What the fuck, English?Read More
To settle once and for all the age old debate of which sport is better, football or soccer, I argued the topic with my Irish friend, Seamus. (While you’d think his name would be pronounced SEA-mus, it’s actually pronounced SHAY-mus. Aren’t Europeans cute?).
With Seamus fighting for soccer and the loveable Johnny Box brawling on behalf of NFL football, we both finished with bloody knuckles and noses, but in the end, only the indisputable champion was left standing.Read More
Dear U.S. Porn,
I will begin and end this letter with a question.
What the fuck?!
What is up with your obsession with huge penises? Do you think that straight guys get off to looking at gigantic cocks?!Read More
Step 1) Wait until people getting off, get off
When a train that you would like to get on stops and the doors open, do not immediately thrust yourself onto the train. Instead, dipshit, stand to the side of the doors so that people wishing to get off the train may do so.
Note that in addition to being courteous, this has the added benefit of allowing space on the train for you. You fucking retard.Read More
June 12, 2018; The New Yorke Times
The Swedish Academy that awards the Nobel Prize for Literature says that it won’t announce a winner this year because of a scandal over sexual misconduct.
On the back of the Me Too movement, 18 women have come forward claiming sexual assault and physical abuse against the husband of one of the Academy members, causing her to resign. Several others have followed suit.Read More
When walking in public, if you rarely find yourself frustrated by some mouth-breathing idiot in your way, chances are you’re the mouth-breathing idiot. Here are some do’s and don’ts to help you be less of a dipshit.
1) When walking with others, Don’t take up the entire fucking sidewalk
I realize that it’s hard to remember that there are other people in this world, and I realize that you’re engrossed in whatever assinine conversation you’re having withRead More
June 8th, 2018
From this day forward it is permissible, unassailable, and encouraged to smack, hit, roundhouse kick or otherwise jar a mobile phone, game console, camera or any other hand-held device out of the hand of any dipshit walking while staring at it; provided, however, that any human, animal, robot or other being who walks while staring at a handheld device shall be considered a ‘dipshit’ for the purpose of this decree regardless of IQ and any and all other factors.Read More
While I love rooting for the U.S. during the Olympics - mainly because we kick so much ass - why should I care more about some person I've never met in West Virginia than I do for some person I've never met in Guangzhou?Read More
1) To change all the "Please watch your head." signs around the world to "Please watch your weight!"
2) To make it though the whole year without my girlfriend praising me for not hitting on her sister right in front of her.
3) Stop calling her ‘cum-dumpster’ and start calling her ‘mom.’Read More
Eli Manning’s prolific start streak will come to an end tomorrow so that the Giants can get a look at Geno Smith and Davis Webb.
There has been an outcry that Eli deserves better. I agree. But even more than that, us Giants fans deserve better.
By demoting Eli, not only are the Giants turning the remainder of this season into the equivalent of a bunch of meaningless pre-season games, they’re also giving up onRead More
Every advice that makes the speaker sound smart is not only awesome, but it's practical too. Here's a real-life example from silky-voiced Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs.
The question to Mr. Rowe was, "What is your job advice to people who are trying to find work?"
First, here's his full answer. Following that is his answer in stages, with replies from someone who's not trying to suck his own dick. At least in public, anyway.Read More
Aesthetics: Consider skinny jeans. Unlike those pukey millennials, you've got the ass to make that shit look good.
Exercise: If you see someone jogging in place while waiting for a red light to change, Tonya Harding that motherfucker's knee.Read More