The New York Times
June 8, 2018
In a swearing-in ceremony before hundreds of thousands of rabid supporters, John Box declared himself President of the World.
Holding in his right hand a copy of Rubbing Bacon On It by David Hasselhoff as if it were the Bible, Global Presidente Box proclaimed that he was answering to a “higher calling to assume the office of the People’s President of the Entire Fucking World.”
Speaking over a non-stop chorus of manic cheers and applause, he continued, “I swear that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to all people inhabiting this planet, with the sole exception of my girlfriends, both current and future, because let’s just be honest here, I’m gonna be screwing around a lot. With great power, comes great quantities of pussy.”
Global Presidente Box decried the current state of the world as materialistic and greedy, boldly stating that under his stewardship, the world would rid itself of poverty, destitution, and inequality.
As throngs of women seated upon the shoulders of fellow supporters flashed their boobs at the grand stage, Global Presidente Box explained his manifesto.
“Above all, this is about Freedom!
“You now have the freedom to live anywhere in the world you want. Countries are now states. States are now counties. Counties are now … well I guess they’re still counties, but you know what I mean.
“You have the freedom to practice any religion you choose. But to be honest, practicing religion is kinda dumb these days as they’re pretty anachronistic and believing in God is kinda like believing in Santa Claus. But don’t worry, I’ve got a religion in the works that will fit with the times. Guess who’s gonna be the supreme leader?! If you said, ‘Danny Bonaduce,’ you’re wrong. It’s me. I’m gonna be the fucking supreme leader.
“Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yeah, Freedom!
“Freedom from poverty and destitution. Say hello to basic income and say goodbye to concerns of automation and robots stealing your jobs. And say goodbye to filthy foreigners stealing your jobs as well. Because there are no filthy foreigners. I had you going there, didn’t I?! We are now all of the same nationality. No more fucking currencies or foreign exchange rates to worry about either.
“Lastly and most importantly, Freedom for me to hold a shitload of bunga bunga parties with thousands and thousands of gorgeous and morally loose co-eds.”
The ceremony ended with a 15-hour standing ovation as Global Presidente Box took the time to personally sign the boobs of everyone in attendance with a sharpie.
p.s. Inaugurating John Box as President of the World is a giant step toward achieving our next evolutionary step: homogeny.
p.p.s. The step after that is levitation.
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