How to Walk; A Guide for Dipshits

When walking in public, if you rarely find yourself frustrated by some mouth-breathing idiot in your way, chances are you’re the mouth-breathing idiot. Here are some do’s and don’ts to help you be less of a dipshit.

1) When walking with others, Don’t take up the entire fucking sidewalk

I realize that it’s hard to remember that there are other people in this world, and I realize that you’re engrossed in whatever assinine conversation you’re having with your fellow dipshits, but make a concerted effort to not walk in wall formation, taking up the whole God damn sidewalk like these imbeciles.

Group of People Taking up Entire Sidewalk.jpg

Even when you don’t see anyone coming in your direction as far as your amblyopic eyes can see, there just may be someone behind you who would like to get around you and the rest of your herd. Leaving space for that person has the added benefit of reducing the chances you get knifed in the spleen as that person walks by. Cause believe me, the longer that person is stuck behind morons like you, the greater the chance that person starts stabbing bitches.

2) Don’t stop in the middle of the sidewalk

I realize that when you are out walking around, you see lots of astonishing sights. Stuff like pictures of food on restaurant signboards, little fishies swimming around in pet shop windows, and even signs with neon lights. And I realize that without even thinking (one of your favorite pastimes) you instinctively come to a halt as your jaw goes slack and your glazed eyes lock on to that picture of food, that little fishy, or that dazzling neon.

But moron, you must remember at all times that someone might be walking behind you and stopping short may cause them to bump into you. This is not fun for either party. And it’s particularly risky for you, because as mentioned, that guy behind you is itching to shank as many dipshits as possible.

3) Do walk on the side of the street that people drive on

This is a tough one.

“Why should I be forced to walk on a particular side of the sidewalk?” you say.

“Is this some dystopian future ruled by fascists?” you say. Okay, you probably wouldn’t say that because you have the vocabulary of a retarded 6-year-old, but maybe you’d say something like:

“Isn’t us free for walk anywhere?”

No. No, dipshit, it is not free for walk anywhere. Get the fuck out of the way.

Non-dipshits have places to go and don’t have time to weave in and out of dipshits walking at random speeds on random areas of the sidewalk. And we don’t wanna do that stupid dance where we wonder if the person coming straight at us is gonna move or whether we should move and then as we get closer we both move at the same time, then repeat, then repeat, then repeat, then smile and laugh in fake camaraderie and commiseration, then wish for God to smite the entire human race out of existence once and for all.

If they drive on the right side of the street where you are, walk on the right side of the sidewalk. If you need to pass someone, quickly go around them on their left, then waddle your ass back to the right as quickly as possible and stay the fuck out of the way.

And just to make the world a better, more friendly place, when you pass that person attentively walking on the proper side of the sidewalk, tip your cap to him for doing such a good job at walking.

4) When turning onto a main sidewalk from a little street, Do look both ways before doing so

While it’s unlikely that you have a driver license because you are a retard, if you’re on a side street and you turn your vehicle onto a main street without looking to see if anyone’s coming, there’s a good chance you’ll get t-boned by oncoming traffic. In your case, this is a good thing because there is a chance that you would die, reducing the number of dipshits in this world by one.

But regardless, the same applies when walking. Don’t assume that no one is coming down a main sidewalk and there’s no chance of you getting in someone’s way. Because there is a chance, retard. And in fact, you should assume that someone is indeed coming until you’ve used your conjunctivitis-riddled eyes to check. Once you verify that no one is coming, proceed onto the proper side of the sidewalk and walk with your head up, full of confidence. You may even experience a sense of satisfaction over this accomplishment which reflects well upon you. This is called pride. Don’t get too used to it.

Lastly and most importantly:

5) Don’t stare at your cell phone

Walking while staring at your cell phone is a surefire way to broadcast to the world that you are a braindead moron completely unaware that other people in this world exist. If you are doing it, you are in the fucking way. You are pissing someone off.

And at long last, that person finally has a little bit of recourse because it has been decreed acceptable “to smack, hit, roundhouse kick or otherwise jar a mobile phone, game console, camera or any other hand-held device out of the hand of any dipshit walking while staring at it.”

Walking while staring at smartphone #1.jpg

So it’s game on, bitch! We don’t want to hear any crying and moaning when your iPhone is a shattered wreck on the ground because you couldn’t help but stare at it while walking. You reap what you sow.

Okay, that’s it for today, you dumb shit. Make sure to pass this on to all your dipshit friends and family. And go fuck yourself while you’re at it.

 

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