The John Box Times
News Before It Happens Edition
August 3, 2018
by John Box
In his induction speech at the 2018 Pro Football Hall of Fame ceremony, Brian Urlacher, one of the greatest linebackers to don a Chicago Bears uniform, began by saying that he was “humbled to join the fraternity of men who were the best to ever play the game.”
When Urlacher wrapped up his speech, he was greeted with a standing ovation by teary-eyed fans, colleagues, and correspondents.
However, when it was explained to Urlacher that feeling ‘humbled’ meant feeling insignificant and inferior, his reaction was pure shock. “Wait, what?! That’s not how I feel at all. That’s fucking stupid. Doesn’t everyone always say they’re ‘humbled’ when they reach the ranks of greatness? Are you pissing on my leg and telling me it’s raining?!”
A resourceful reporter quickly googled the definition on his iPhone and displayed the result before a perplexed Urlacher.
“That makes zero sense. Are all the inductees before me completely fuckin’ retarded?! That’s the exact opposite of how I feel. I thought it meant that you feel like you’re on top of the world, and that world that you’re on top of is a heap of dogshit compared to you.”
The reporter informed Urlacher that in no language whatsoever did ‘humble’ mean being the shining star on top of a human garbage dump, and asked the new inductee whether the word that he was actually looking for was ‘vindicated’.
Urlacher furrowed his brow. “Does vindicated mean recognized as being a shit ton better than pretty much every other professional football player in history and God-like compared to all the mouth-breathing couch-watchers out there?”
At a loss for words, the resourceful reported replied, “probably not.”
Urlacher clicked his tongue in irritation. “Then no, Mr. Word Man, that’s not the word I’m looking for. Come back to me when you find a word that means better than everyone else. Like superior or something.”
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