2024 New Year Resolutions

1) Start making realistic resolutions.

2) Lose 5 pounds in January, gain 20 the rest of the year.

3) Talk to a girl. Either online or after a six-pack of the good stuff.

4) Stop calling Mom ‘cum tunnel’ and start calling her ‘shit for brains’.

An X-ray of my mom’s head. She’s such a dumb fuck I hate her.

5) Give up on grandiose notions like ending the war in Ukraine, and take up realistic notions like supporting almost-attractive sex workers on Onlyfans.

$5 a month don’t mean shit to Ukraine. But this lady would certainly appreciate it.

6) Drink less water. It turns out that everything they taught you when you were young was bullshit.

7) Write a best-selling serial killer series.

Michael Jackson singing Thriller. It’s pretty much on topic. Whatever, fuck off.