2026 New Year Resolutions

1. Help my partner lose weight by calling her ‘fat ass’ all the time. 

2. Try to use the phrase “I know” more. Cause if you’re not saying “I know” all the time, people might think you don’t know anything.

3. Be nicer to strangers. Start by shaving off their mustaches to help them look less like 1980s gay porn stars. 

aM i A COOL DUDE IN THE 21ST CENTURY OR A GAY PORN STAR FROM THE 80S?

4. Use innovative marketing techniques to sell more books. For instance, threaten to slice people in half with a katana sword if they don’t buy and read and love and recommend my books. Note: All 4 demands must be met to avoid slicing. One limb gets chopped off for each failure.

5. Make 2026 the year of the … wait for it … the ellipsis.

6. Join & master Xtreme fighting … provided there’s a geriatric league to fight in.

I’d prefer an opponent who’s unable to stand without the assistance of a cane or crutches, but because it’s a part of bettering myself, I’m prepared to fight extremely with old crusty dudes like this guy.

7. Learn how to cook … people.

Fry bitches.