1) Ask your man if he thinks your outfit is cute
And not just when you’re putting it on in front of the mirror. Do this over and over all day long. At least four or five times per outfit.
2) Ask questions that you already know the answer to
For instance, when you show up at your boyfriend’s place and find him eating McDonald’s ask, “Are you eating McDonald’s?” Or when he buys a pack of cigarettes and takes out a smoke, say, “Are you gonna smoke?” Or when you wake him up off of the living room couch and the place is littered with empty beer cans ask, “Were you drinking beer last night?”
3) Generalize things you hear about your boyfriend’s home country to everyone in his entire nation
For instance, if your boyfriend is American and you hear something about Americans and guns, ask him if all Americans own guns and spend their weekends at firing ranges. This must be repeated as often as possible otherwise he might think you’ve learned that no matter what country you’re talking about, everything depends on the person and family etc.
This is another trick you should employ constantly. And you can do it about anything so it’ll never get old for you. Have fun and be creative with it. When shopping: “This bag is too heavy.” When talking about your friends: “Emiko always has to be the center of attention.” After a somewhat unpleasant evening with your man: “I don’t like it when you try to stick your thumb in my ... soup.”
5) Ask questions about English like why it’s “Are you going?” and not “Is you going?” or “Does you going?”
More likely than not, your boyfriend is not Dr. Grammar. Sure, he may teach/have taught English in Japan, but in general the only requirement for that is being a native speaker. His only experience learning grammar was probably a lonely summer where he killed time playing Mad Libs with his imaginary friend, Hectar the Surly Green Giant. So every time you ask him a question that he can’t provide an adequate answer to, he’ll snap at you. “Because it sounds right!” His frustration will quickly yield to anger and you’ll have a nice fight on your hands in no time because in essence, you’re emasculating him with each ignorance-exposing inquiry.
6) Continue your annual New Year’s visit to Yasukuni Shrine
It’s so disrespectful that I almost respect it. You impudent huss you.
7) Slurp the s#-t out of everything you eat
8) Have sex with his friends
Guys hate that.
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