1) Category 1 Jamas – Bottleneckers
There are 13.35 million people living in Tokyo. Yet somehow these mouthbreathers think that they’re the only ones. They get on a train and then stop. Somehow it doesn’t occur to them that they might not be the only ones trying to get on the train in The City of People Being Pushed Onto Trains by Railway Employees Because the Trains Are So Fucking Crowded.
Or when they’re showing symptoms of humanity, they’re able to get on and walk two paces before succumbing to the lure of the keitai (cell phone). Once they see the warm glowing glow of the keitai, they’re completely oblivious to the fact that they’re blocking the aisle, which without fail offers plenty of standing space. As a result, everyone getting on after them gets crammed together in the center spot.
There are countless other examples of these bottlenecking subhumans and it’s high time for some mass euthanasia.
2) Yoyogi Greasers
What is it about putting on leather boots, fashioning your hair into a grimy pompadour, and doing the twist at a park entrance that makes you think that you’re the biggest bad-ass in the world? Is it the music? The occasional toss of a half-empty can of beer into the heavens? The hopping on one leg while playing the air guitar on the other? Regardless of the reason, you look ridiculous. Especially because your youngest greasers are like 40 years old. For the love of God, get a paper pushing bureaucratic job, wear a suit every day, and pass out drunk on subway stairwells like normal, self-respecting men your age.
Also, anyone who takes video, photos, or even just watches these folk needs to go. You’re only encouraging them so cut it out or someone’s grandma gets a punch in the stomach.
3) The Japan-is-Mine Gaijin
We don't need to be best friends or flash gaijin-style gang signs when passing in Omoide Yokocho, but you need to realize that you're not the first one here and we're not invading your territory. Your pure Japan was contaminated by gaijins long ago, so give up the act or find somewhere we’re not. Syria for instance.
4) Category 2 Jamas – Smartphone Starers
As mentioned above, there are 13.35 million people in Tokyo. If you’re walking around with your eyes brazenly trained to your smartphone or PSP, you are getting in someone’s way roughly every 1.3 seconds. Try being a big boy or girl and waiting until you’re not moving and not in everyone’s way to pull out your portable device to stimulate your awe-inspiring reptilian brain via Puzz-Dora.
5) Category 3 Jamas – Ground Gawkers
These folks are like bashful, almost polite versions of Category 2’s. Grow a pair and quit staring at the ground so others can read and react to you! If that’s not an option, there’s always seppuku.
6) Friday Night Suiciders
If you’re gonna jump in front of a train to put an end to your misery, do all of us a favor and do it on a Monday or Tuesday morning. If we’re able to get some time off of work as a result of your jinshin-jiko, all the better. But for the Love of God, do not be killing yourself on a Friday or Saturday night when the rest of us have restaurants, bars, or kyaba-kura to get to. No wonder no-one ever liked you.
7) Common Sense-less Baba (old hag)
People who don’t think before they speak really need to kiss it. There is no need to ask a question that you yourself would not want to be asked. Yet for some reason there’s way too many pudgy ladies asking with a laugh, “Did you gain weight?” I have a few questions for you. #1) Have those crow’s feet around your eyes been spreading? #2) Have you been gargling diarrhea? (And yes, we either need less people in Tokyo with horrible breath or a lot more Listerine.) And #3) Shut your trap!
I understand that you're often a lot of fun to hang out with, but can't you still be fun without painting your face like a raccoon with a sphincter where your mouth should be?
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