“I didn’t know your sister was back with her ex-husband,” my Japanese wife said to me while scrolling through Instagram.
“Huh?” I replied, dumbfounded. No way was she back with her ex. “What are you talking about?!”
“Look, it’s right here,” she said, showing me her cellphone. “She just posted a picture of her and her ex-husband. They must be back together because they’re all lovie-
Read MoreIt’s March 2021, and there’s never been a better time to be alive.
Almost all of us have been in a tremendous funk, feeling like complete dogshit for what seems like ages as we’ve been suffering through a pandemic, climate change catastrophes, and the fucking Trump presidency.
But like they say, it’s always darkest before the dawn. Wait a sec. Is it? That can’t be right. That sounds retarded.
Read MoreI’m happy to share with you a few characters that my daughter absolutely loves.
First, there’s Pee-stain the Yellow Lion.
Here’s a shot of a few candidates that I saw on the news here on NHK. Followed by a close up of the last guy displayed. The vampire.
Read MoreI’m extremely saddened to report that the flying plastic bag of dogshit that is ‘cancel culture’ has arrived in Japan.
Mr. Yoshiro Mori, an 83-year-old fossil who was the president of the Tokyo Olympics organizing committee, has been forced to resign because he said that women talk too much.
This is such crap.
Read MoreLet’s make 2021 the Year of Stops & Starts
Here’s mine:
1) Stop donating blood to try to fool people into thinking that I’m a good person and Start donating blood cause it makes it super easy to get drunk super fast.
2) Stop working for the man and Start my own business.
Read MoreToday, I answer another question from one of my beloved readers. He writes:
Dear John,
The Covid-19 pandemic has been a nightmare, but there seems to be many lessons we should be learning, particularly about how we handle viruses. Along that line, when our kids come home with a cold, should we quarantine them? Should we completely isolate them so they don’t infect the rest of us?
Read MoreBringing life into the world is wonderful.
There are many reasons for this and chief among them is all the free shit that you get. All the gifts from friends, family, and stalkers.
In Japan, however, they have twisted something beautiful into something grotesque.
Read MoreEveryone knows that Trump is a lying, incompetent, douchebag of a president.
And yet, there is a chance that Biden could lose to him in the upcoming election. The greatest risk in my mind would be Biden making things complicated.
Which is why I say: Joe, don’t complicate things. Don’t overthink it. Just use my below line which is guaranteed to win you the election.
Read MoreThe government’s main job, as Thomas Jefferson probably knew, is to provide us a pathway to eternal pleasure. By that, I mean, we need drugs. I am not talking about weak sauce like cocaine or heroin and shit. I’m talking about not-yet-developed ultra hyper pleasure-drugs with no side effects other than possibly incessant orgasming and an acute feeling of exultation.
Skeptical? Well then this article is for you. Read on brutha’.
Read MoreAs I mentioned in my inaugural bold predictions post in 2018, bold predictions by the “experts” are almost all bullshit pussy predictions because they want credit when they’re right, but won’t take responsibility when they’re wrong.
It makes me sick and it makes me want to hurt children, so you won’t find this “expert” doing anything of the sort. I take credit & responsibility for all my predictions. Be they bold or tepid or vagynal.
Read MoreIt’s time for 6-8 more illustrious Japanese terms. After a couple straightforward ones, it’s a hodgepodge of headscratchers and homonyms, with a couple venereal disease terms mixed in to make this a very special STD edition!
1) 歯垢 (shikoh) = teeth dirt = plaque.
Nice and simple, telling it like it is. That’s exactly why I love you, Japanese. When coming across the word “plaque” in English for the first time, there’s no normal human
Read MoreI finally read Hamlet (the CliffsComplete version with explanations and commentary of course), and given its reputation and the fact that it has been produced in something like 700 different countries and 48,000 different languages, I was shocked by how not-good it is.
If Shakespeare was an unknown entity and he sent the manuscript to a developmental editor today, this is the feedback he would receive:
Read MoreMy first child will be born soon and I figured I should monetize the situation by keeping notes and then eventually writing a book on how to raise happy, well-adjusted, and most importantly, good-looking children.
But after thinking over all of the things I’ve heard and learned over the years, I think it can be summed up in a single sentence:
Read MoreIf you’re looking for a hilarious novel to read that is packed with lol’s, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s a list of the 10 best ones that I’ve had the pleasure of reading.
Click on any title for my full review. Except for one, that is. One very special comedic novel has a link that will take you to a magical place of humor for money. That’s hot! I hope you can find it.
Read MoreDear Body,
I’ve asked you this question before, but seriously, are you a fucking retard?!
Are you trying to kill me?! Stop force-feeding me corona.
I understand that you think it’s cute when you make me rub my eyes to remove some
Read MoreI came home from work to find my pregnant wife sitting at the dining room table with hospital pamphlets strewn out before her.
“Did the appointment go okay?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she replied. “The baby’s growing just fine.”
Read More“I had the worst nightmare ever,” my pregnant wife declared as I strolled into the kitchen on a lazy Sunday morning.
“Is that so?” I replied on my way to the refrigerator.
“You were at a café with another woman.”
This peaked my interest. Particularly because I don’t drink coffee. “What was I
Read MoreI don’t enjoy bad-mouthing Japan, because I absolutely love it here, but with respect to the corona virus, the Japanese government is speaking out of both sides of its mouth.
In order to prevent the spread of the corona virus, government officials are asking businesses and citizens alike to cancel events where many people would be gathering in a relatively small space. This has been all over the news, and it makes a lot of sense. A densely-packed event is a corona virus wet dream.
Read MoreTop 10 Comedies
1) Flashman by George MacDonald Fraser
2) Semi-Gloss by Joe Barrett
3) How I Became a Famous Novelist by Steve Hely
4) A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
5) The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion
6) Managed Care by Joe Barrett
7) The Neal Pollack Anthology of American Literature by Neal Pollack
8) Flash for Freedom (The Flashman Papers, Book 3) by George MacDonald Fraser
9) Royal Flash (The Flashman Papers, Book 2) by George MacDonald Fraser
10) Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
Worst Books Ever
1) Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy
2) As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
3) Lord Vishnu’s Love Handles by Will Clarke
4) The Gun Seller by Hugh Laurie
5) The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
Archive (by author)
Adams, Douglas
Amis, Martin
Barrett, Joe
Barry, Dave
Beatty, Paul
Blume, Judy
Carrey, Jim
Clarke, Will
Coelho, Paulo
Ephron, Nora
Faulkner, William
God
Goldman, William
Heller, Joseph
Hely, Steve
Hornby, Nick
Hutchison, Barry J.
James, E L
Kaku, Michio
Kultgen, Chad
Laurie, Hugh
MacDonald Fraser, George
Markley, Stephen
McCarthy, Cormac
McDonnell, Caimh
Moore, Christopher
Pollack, Neal
Pratchett, Terry
Saunders, Niels
Shakespeare, William
Simsion, Graeme
Stein, Leigh
Steinbeck, John
Toole, John Kennedy
U.S. Founding Fathers
Vonnegut, Kurt
Westlake, Donald
Wong, David
Top 10 Great White Host Blog Posts
1) The Legend of Johnny Box
2) Babies Not Battlefields
3) Busted in Japan
4) Caught Masterbating
5) Best Japanese Words #1
6) New Year’s Resolutions
7) Dear Body
8) Screwy English
9) Questions for John Box
Negotiations with God
1) Reference Photos
Kick-ass Websites:
Japan This - Japanese History as told by an Awesome Dude
Why So Japan - Blog about Japan as seen from the other side of the world
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