2019 New Year’s Resolutions

1) Stop spitting on my Kindle when reading shitty books. I’ve got to learn that neither my rage nor my loogies reach the author. In fact, I may only be hurting myself.

2) Start spitting on people walking around while staring at their smartphones.

3) Be more presidential. By which I of course mean take credit for anything and everything good in the world and blame others for anything and everything bad in the world.


4) Drink in moderation. For being such a good boy, I can even split the day up into five or six segments and drink in moderation in each segment.😊

5) With the campaign to legalize marijuana pretty much a foregone conclusion, begin the next fight. The real fight. The fight to legalize horse tranquilizers for recreational use!

6) Demand that people start demanding the stories behind male-on-female violence; particularly for NFL-related incidents. If that girl called Kareem Hunt the n-word, I think the time (being fired from the NFL) outweighs the crime (pushing one of his buddies into her causing her to fall to the ground and maybe scrape her wrists as well as giving her a kick in the shin or ass at the end of the altercation). Let’s hear the story behind the incident before handing down punishments. Everything is relative.

7) Bring fitness leotards back into fashion by jogging around the Imperial Palace in my favorite pink and purple one.

8) Research exactly how profitable a child pornography website could be. Totally, just kidding! Happy New Year, Fuckers!!!