2018 New Year's Resolutions

1) Change all the "Please watch your head" signs around the world to "Please watch your weight!"

2) Make it through the whole year without my girlfriend praising me for not hitting on her sister right in front of her.

3) Stop calling her ‘cum-dumpster’ and start calling her ‘mom.’

4) Figure out who the fuck is responsible for silence at the beginning of movies and end them. Do they not realize that a room full of mouth-breathers are chomping the fuck out of popcorn and slurping sodas and the fucking silence is amplifying the fuck out of their fat-fuckness?!

5) Also, find whoever is responsible for TV commercials being louder than TV programs and end those fucks as well.

6) Buy the Carolina Panthers. It's time to start living out my dream of being a starting quarterback in the NFL. Since this has the added benefit of relegating Cam Newton to the bench, we'll also all be saved from having to look at his gaudy post-game outfits and vomit-inducing hats.

7) Tighten up my scrotum. Year after year my nuts are sagging lower and lower. Enough. This is the year to do something about it. The year of tightening up the scrote!

8) Figure out what all the fuss is about concerning masterbating in front of chicks that clearly aren't into you. Why are dudes getting off from this? Why do chicks consider it such a heinous crime? Seems like a non-story to me so figure that shit out.

9) Get a status update from Trump on the Wall, including:
i. Construction progress; and
ii. The number of bad hombres that have been kept out so far thanks to the newly completed portions.

10) Get some sticks out of some asses. There are too many people with long, hard sticks up their asses and it’s high time that those people wake the fuck up and pull ‘em out. You need to realize that you weren't born with that stick up your ass, but that it was inserted there by 'society' and that it was plunged all the way up by your own hands because you subconsciously thought that doing so was making you a good person. It wasn't. It just made you a boring, judgmental, stick-in-the-mud (scatological pun intended). Let's make 2018 the year to yank that stick out your ass and join the party!