2017 New Year's Resolutions

Aesthetics: Consider skinny jeans. Unlike those pukey millennials, you've got the ass to make that shit look good.

Exercise: If you see someone jogging in place while waiting for a red light to change, Tonya Harding that motherfucker's knee.

Diet: If you see some Snickers, eat some Snickers. But chew that shit hard so you get some exercise.

Learn Something New: Learn how to properly explain how to pick up chicks. There's a huge market for it and apparently, "be awesome like me" isn't enough for all them sun scared mouth breathers.

Spiritual: Find God. Seriously, where is that motherfucker?!

Investing: Set aside $500 a month for biannual $3,000 prostitutes. Holy shit is that gonna fetch some Charlie Sheen level trim.

Self Improvement: Nice one, JB. As if perfection could be improved. I'll drink to that! Happy New Year, Shitfaced!!!