Semi-Gloss by Joe Barrett - PPPPP

A wise man once said, “The key to happiness is low expectations.”* Despite this profound advice, I picked up Semi-Gloss by Joe Barrett with the highest of high expectations.

Why?

Because fuck profound advice. Barrett’s first book, Managed Care by Joe Barrett, was fucking awesome. Surely, Semi-Gloss would be equally awesome.

And after reading Semi-Gloss, I’ve got just two words for profound advice:

Keep your stupid opinions to your stupid self! You Butthole!!! Because regardless of those high expectations, Semi-Gloss was even better that I thought it’d be!

Right from the onset, Barrett punches you in the face with a hilarious premise, and the delightful jabs just keep on coming. (End of boxing metaphor, but onto synopsis.)

When Sammy wakes up next to the dead body of a girl he’d been sleeping with, he’s absolutely crestfallen that the situation may cause him to miss brunch.

Meanwhile, Penny, a 15-year-old runaway, is in such dire straits that when she arrives in Tampa Bay, Florida, she pretends to be Canadian. A god damn Canadian! Poor girl.

Anyhoo, Barrett alternates chapters between these two main characters from the first person point of view and it didn’t take long before I found myself rooting for them both. Further, like in Managed Care, Barrett does this masterfully, using both POVs to allow the reader a look into both main characters’ brains, serving up optimal intel, hilarity, and empathy depending on the situation.

At first glance, Sammy appears to be an apathetic, narcissistic, idiotic house-painter with dreamy eyes that are as green as the Irish Isles. But we come to find that despite the fact that he can be indifferent to the point of callousness, he’s actually uncompromisingly passionate about friendship, love, and his offbeat brand of art, which I’ll get into a little bit below.

And then there’s Penny, who despite her insecurities, is precocious and incredibly adventurous. While she can be quite fragile, we soon learn that the reasons why she’s in flight are emotionally deep and painful. But as she grew throughout the story, I found myself inspired, enlightened, and touched. Not like Michael Jackson touched, more like R. Kelly touched. The kids touched by R. Kelly liked it and were better off, right? If not, my bad.

Anyhoo, in Semi-Gloss, Barrett once again dreams up a fantastic cast of characters that provides non-stop entertainment for the reader. His characters are distinct, layered, and engaging, each of whom will arouse some sort of emotion in the reader. Whether it be affinity, disdain, or in the case of Sammy’s dad, decalciticulus, a made up word meaning: strong desire to kick him in the balls.

Halfway through the book, as Sammy and his crew plowed through the monotonous, mind-numbingly dull work of house-painting, I found myself wanting to work alongside them. To enjoy their creative escapes from the drudgery, to booze with them after a hard day’s work, and to participate in their unique brand of art, which Sammy describes as “disrupting everyday reality”, but I’d describe as “being a dick to strangers working minimum wage jobs”. Regardless, the understanding, caring, and indifference of the whole crew warmed the cockles of my heart.

But Most Importantly, this book is hilarious!** One particular scene made me laugh so hard that I cried. I don’t think that I’ve ever cried laughing at a book. Ever.

And almost as important, this book has heart. Another scene wrenched my feelings so hard that I cried. Okay, I didn’t cry. I’m not that big a pussy. But my eyes misted up like Loch Ness Lake at sunrise.

Additionally, this book is smart, philosophical, optimistic, insightful, and I’ve got to mention it again, touching.

To sum up, Semi-Gloss is fucking awesome. It’s a hilarious story that is ultimately about belief, friendship, not-getting-down-about-dead-girls-you-wake-up-next-to-even-if-you-miss-brunch, and love. Both familial and fornicational. And of course, Barrett wraps it up in a pleasingly cathartic ending. No doubt, Semi-Gloss will make a fantastic movie. I can’t wait to see it in theaters. Those fuckers better bring it to Tokyo.

Bonus Quotes:
“I didn’t realize she was dead until I poked her with a broom.”
“Every great adventure starts with what suckers see as a hopeless situation.”

*That wise man was me. John Box. I said it. In Memoirs of a Douchebag. Check it out.

**I laughed out loud 62 times while reading this book. That’s gotta be an all-time high. And yes, I keep track of lol’s while reading. Not only that, I also keep track of what degree the lol was. Like lol, Lol, LOl, and LOL. I’m sick, I know.

Hands down, no doubt, 5 GLEAMING PEARLS. Read & enjoy!