Fifty Shades of Grey is not funny.
I assumed that it would be one of the most hilarious unintentionally funny stories of all time, filled with laughably bad dialogue, outrageously kinky sex, and absurd S&M toys.
I was wrong.
Sure, it has its moments (my favorites are below), but it was just a run-of-the-mill erotic romance novel with a couple of spankings and a flogging thrown in.
The story begins when Anastasia Steele, a pale, brown-haired, blue-eyed, timid college senior (still a virgin though!) at Washington State University interviews Christian Grey, an intimidating and dashing 27-year-old mega-industrialist tycoon headquartered in Seattle.
We follow as the dominant Christian Grey reluctantly makes innocent Ana his submissive and the tale itself is okay. The characters are plausible, the dialogue – while not particularly good – is plausible, the relationship development is plausible, the events are all plausible, and the S&M sex is not only plausible but tame compared to my expectations. While there is a weird thing where Ana’s “Subconscious” and “Inner Goddess” make faces at her and hide behind couches and such, it’s not overly overly distracting. Stupid? Yes. But overlookable.
Of note is that author E L James has really done her homework when it comes to describing Americans. Take Ray, Ana’s step-dad, for instance. Just like the rest of us Yanks, he pisses his weekends away watching soccer and attempts to solve any and all emotional crises by offering a cup of tea.
Further, the following moments provided semi-LOL’s:
“Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?”
“No, Anastasia, it doesn’t. First, I don’t make love. I fuck … hard. Second, there’s a lot more paperwork to do.”
“I’m going to fuck you now, Ms. Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance to my sex.
She refers to her “vagina” as her “sex.” Ha!
Incidentally, she also refers to her “clitoris” as her “sweet spot.”
While discussing their S&M contract:
“Can I modify to say that you will eat at least three meals a day?”
“No.” I am so not backing down on this. No one is going to dictate to me what I eat. How I fuck, yes, but eat … no, no way.
“The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.”
While that was the extent of the semi-LOL’s, there were plenty of flushes and blushes, breaths hitching, and descriptions of “long fingers.” Apparently, the ladies get moist at the site of “long fingers” because there are literally 21 instances where James lustfully uses the phrase “long fingers.”
And while I don’t want to go too hard on Fifty Shades, two things about it really pissed me off.
#1) It’s very long and the end is clearly just the beginning.
#2) This bit of Anastasia’s inner monologue: “Standing, he empties his jeans pockets of BlackBerry, keys, wallet, and money. Holy cow, men carry a lot of crap in their pockets.”
First of all, sweetheart, you listed just three things – money goes in a wallet – all of which are pretty important to have on you. Secondly, have you ever seen the contents of a woman’s purse? What the fuck, retard?!!!
Having said that, if you’re into innocuous S&M reading, then by all means, read this book because it’s really not all that bad and it’s kinda interesting to get a behind-the-scenes look at how females (at least James, anyway) experiences sex etc. Further, it led to more post-reading masturbation than the average book that I read.
3 Butt plugs.
Fun fact/bonus quote: "Vomiting profusely is exhausting."