Smart Words by Famous People #1

Every advice that makes the speaker sound smart is not only awesome, but practical too. Here's a real-life example from silky voiced Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs with answers by John Box of Pearls Before Swine.

The question to Mr. Rowe was, "What is your job advice to people who are trying to find work?"

Mike Rowe: The idea that there's a perfect job is really comforting ... but dangerous; in the same way that there’s a perfect soulmate.
The first thing to do is to look around and see where everybody else is headed … ... and to head in the other direction.

John Box: Me rikey. I hate people cause they're all mouth-breathing deposits of fat, so I can easily go against their collective will. And I guess everyone’s headed towards making money. Like via Silicon Valley and/or renewable resources. But now that I think about it, you made a super general statement, so I guess something like renewable resources is prolly way too specific. As such, I’ll just go with “making money.” And now I’ll head in the other direction which is “not making money.” I’m excellent at that so, so far so good.

Mike Rowe: The second thing to do is embrace the thing that scares you, frightens you, or otherwise makes you blanch.

John Box: Wait, are you being a pompous retard or do you mean blush? Sorry. Assuming you’ve got your shit together, I’ll go with blanch. Which I’ve never heard anyone say. Ever. But in that case, I guess I’ll be embracing getting anally raped by a lacrosse stick. (Blanch.) Frankly, blanch or blush, I’m getting it up the ass hard, without permission.

Mike Rowe: The third thing to do is to become really really good at that thing.

John Box: Seriously?! You want me to become really really good at being anally raped by a lacrosse stick?! I’m not even sure that that’s possible. I mean, I guess if I get raped in the ass enough by a lacrosse stick, my anal tract will widen and make for quick and easy insertion but I’m not really sure how this will get me a job.

Mike Row: And then the final thing, the thing that makes really happy people happy is to figure out a way to love it.

John Box: Guess what, Mike Row?! Before the final, super smart, super awesome words even came out of your mouth, I was already in love with getting anally raped by a lacrosse stick. Thank you so much, Mike Rowe. I will never ever never ever forget your Words of Wisdom.

2017 New Year's Resolutions

Exercise: If you see someone jogging in place while waiting for a red light to change, Tonya Harding that motherfucker's knee.

Diet: If you see some Snickers, eat some Snickers. But chew that shit hard so you get some exercise.

Aesthetics: Consider skinny jeans. Unlike those pukey millennials, you've got the ass to make that shit look good.

Learn Something New: Learn how to properly explain how to pick up chicks. There's a huge market for it and apparently, "be awesome like me" isn't enough for all them sun scared mouth breathers.

Spiritual: Find God. Seriously, where is that motherfucker?!

Investing: Set aside $500 a month for biannual $3,000 prostitutes. Holy shit is that gonna fetch some Charlie Sheen level trim.

Self Improvement: Nice one, JB. As if perfection could be improved. I'll drink to that! Happy New Year, Shitfaced!!!

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Shunga is the Japanese term for a particular genre of ukiyo-e ("pictures of the floating world") in which humor and sexual explicitness coexist in skillfully rendered images.

The word itself (春画) is made up of the kanji characters for 'spring' & 'picture,' with spring being a common euphemism for sex.

Born out of playful competition between renowned Japanese painters such as Utamaro, Harunobu, and Hokusai, the art form, which enjoyed immense popularity among all classes

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"It's too early to pull him," I said to my buddy and fellow Swallows fan, Bowen Roozewell, who nodded in agreement.

To our surprise however, the pinch hitter smacked a line drive into center field for a

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Which is why when my wits returned to me in the middle of a bender and I found myself surrounded by Omawari-san (Japanese cops; but not so much your John McClane-type cops, more like your Barney Fife-type cops) claiming that I had wronged

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While this is patently obvious to pretty much everyone on the planet, there are a handful of people out there who would take issue with it. To shut them up once and for all, I have provided below indisputable proof of the following principle by citing three concrete examples from Season I of Game of Thrones.

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1) Ask your man if he thinks your outfit is cute
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2) Ask questions that you already know the answer to
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1)      不感症 (fukanshou) = no feeling disease = sexual frigidity

2)      千擦り (senzuri) = thousand rubs = masturbation

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1) Category 1 Jamas – Bottleneckers
There are 13.35 million people living in Tokyo. Yet somehow these mouthbreathers think that they’re the only ones. They get on a train and then stop. Somehow it doesn’t occur to them that they might not be the only ones trying to get on the train in The City of People Being Pushed Onto Trains by Railway Employees Because the Trains Are So Fucking Crowded.

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1) Hilarious English on T-Shirt Guy
You know what sucks about Japan? The more time goes by, the less T-shirts I see around here with bizarre and/or inappropriate English on them. Back in the day, there were all kinds. You used to see family men playing in the park with their kids sporting a shirt saying “Alcoholic” or an old man on the train wearing one saying “I feel happiness when I eat a nose rice” or stroll by an elementary school and see kids with shirts saying “wishes do girls,” “try my delicious salt

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On the bleakest, most desolate day in the history of the world, Zeus, taking the form of a black bull, descended from the Heavens in a fit of passion.

At precisely this same moment, hidden deep within the Earth’s most verdant tropical rainforest, mankind’s most beautiful creation ascended from nature’s most awe-inspiring wonder: a translucent hot spring pool with shimmering sapphire sand, encircled by a ring of angel tear

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