John Box Inaugurates Himself as President of the World

John Box Inaugurates Himself as President of the World

The New York Times

In a swearing-in ceremony before hundreds of thousands of rabid supporters, John Box declared himself President of the World.

Holding in his right hand a copy of Rubbing Bacon On It by David Hasselhoff as if it were the Bible, Global Presidente Box proclaimed that he was answering to a “higher calling to assume the office of the People’s President of the Entire Fucking World.”

Read More

Stop Grunting at Me, Japan!

Stop Grunting at Me, Japan!

If you’ve been studying Japanese long enough to attempt a conversation with a Japanese person, you’re probably familiar with the concept of aizuchi, which is described as ‘interjections during a conversation that indicate the listener is paying attention and/or understanding the speaker.’

Which is to say, grunts to let you know they’re listening.

I’ve actually seen this taught in elementary school textbooks as a form of good

Read More

Another Athlete Misuses ‘Humble’; Shocked to Learn Actual Meaning

Another Athlete Misuses ‘Humble’; Shocked to Learn Actual Meaning

The John Box Times

In his induction speech at the 2018 Pro Football Hall of Fame ceremony, Brian Urlacher, one of the greatest linebackers to don a Chicago Bears uniform, began by saying that he was “humbled to join the fraternity of men who were the best to ever play the game.”

When Urlacher wrapped up his speech, he was greeted with a standing ovation

Read More

Football vs. Soccer; The Definitive Debate on which Sport is Better

Football vs. Soccer; The Definitive Debate on which Sport is Better

To settle once and for all the age old debate of which sport is better, football or soccer, I argued the topic with my Irish friend, Seamus. (While you’d think his name would be pronounced SEA-mus, it’s actually pronounced SHAY-mus. Aren’t Europeans cute?).

With Seamus fighting for soccer and the loveable Johnny Box brawling on behalf of NFL football, we both finished with bloody knuckles and noses, but in the end, only the indisputable champion was left standing.

Read More

How to Get on a Train/Subway; A Guide for Dipshits

How to Get on a Train/Subway; A Guide for Dipshits

Step 1) Wait until people getting off, get off

When a train that you would like to get on stops and the doors open, do not immediately thrust yourself onto the train. Instead, dipshit, stand to the side of the doors so that people wishing to get off the train may do so.

Note that in addition to being courteous, this has the added benefit of allowing space on the train for you. You fucking retard.

Read More

2018 Nobel Literature Prize Canceled Over Sex Scandal; John Box Outraged

2018 Nobel Literature Prize Canceled Over Sex Scandal; John Box Outraged

June 12, 2018; The New Yorke Times

The Swedish Academy that awards the Nobel Prize for Literature says that it won’t announce a winner this year because of a scandal over sexual misconduct.

On the back of the Me Too movement, 18 women have come forward claiming sexual assault and physical abuse against the husband of one of the Academy members, causing her to resign. Several others have followed suit.

Read More